Aviation for Women is the flagship member publication of Women in Aviation International. Articles feature women who have made aviation history, professional development ideas, and current-topic articles.
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44 Aviation forWomen J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 1 6 P oliticians. Celebrities. Co-workers. Spouses. You. Me. It seems as if everyone these days is talking about apologies — whether it's giving one, hearing one, or thinking you deserve one. In fact, apologies are so much a part of our work and personal lives that Roy Lewicki of The Ohio State University's Fisher College of Business studied them. What he found is that there are six components to an apology—and the more of them you include when you say you're sorry, the more effective your apology will be. Lewicki's advice couldn't come too soon for me. There are a whole bunch of insincere, forced apologies going around. My personal beef is with conditional apologies—the ones that begin, "If I offended anyone…" or "If I hurt your feelings…" or "If I caused a problem…" It's as if the wronged party is overly sensitive in thinking an apology is in order. If only you were a bit more reasonable, these conditional apologists believe, no apology would be necessary. Now we have a formula for a good apology. The six components that Le- wicki identifed are expression of re- gret, explanation of what went wrong, acknowledgment of responsibility, declaration of repentance, offer of repair, and request for forgiveness. While the best apologies contain all six elements, not all of these components are equal, Lewicki says. Of these six, two are the most important. "Our fndings showed that the most important component is an acknowledgement of responsibility. Say it is your fault, that you made a mistake," Lewicki said. The second most im- portant element was an offer of repair. "One concern about apologies is that talk is cheap. But by saying, 'I'll fx what is wrong,' you're committing to take action to undo the damage," he says. For many people, accepting an apology is more diffcult than making one. Truthfully, I might very well put myself in that category. If I believe the apology is sincere and heartfelt, I am more than likely to apologize in return, to say how the situation was my fault as well. But if I think the person isn't giving her all to an apology, if I think the person is just going through the motions, I typically want more. I want to say the "Yes, but…" sort of thing. I want the person to have a better appreciation for the impact of her behavior on me and on others. A number of years ago, I read something that helped me be a little more gracious in accepting an apology. It even helps in a situation where no apology appears to be forthcoming. Lis- ten to this: I forgive you for what you believe to be true. That sentiment lifts quite a burden: It no longer matters who is right and who is wrong. I forgive you for what you believe to be true. When I add that notion to another—that we are all doing the best we can with what we have—granting forgiveness be- comes much easier. Years ago when I worked at an aviation magazine, a col- league and I had ordered a big supply of golf-style shirts with the magazine's logo embroidered on them. When the shirts arrived, they were a disaster— inconsistency in color (due to different dye lots) and inconsistency within the same sizes. What's more, we had paid extra to have each shirt folded and indi- vidually packaged in a plastic bag and this was not done. The shirts were simply piled willy-nilly into cardboard cartons and shipped. When we summoned the shirt-supplying sales rep to our of- fce for an explanation, he gave one and ended it with (what we felt was) a prolonged heartfelt and humble apology. We told him we'd discuss his proposed solution for a make good and call him later. When he left the offce, I turned to my col- league and said, "What do you think?" He replied in all se- riousness, "You know, I appreciate a good grovel." I nodded solemnly in agreement and then we both burst out laughing. Of course, both of us had been in the shoes of that sales rep—having to apologize for something that wasn't really our fault—and we knew he had given the apology his all. Putting his ego aside, he was able to make a genuine apology. Good work on his part; he saved the day and saved the business for himself and his company. As another colleague used to say, "Some days you're the windshield, and some days you're the bug." If it's your turn to be the bug, act honorably and humbly. Make that apology. And if it's your turn to be the windshield, be the bigger woman. Try "forgiven and forgotten." ✈ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Patricia Luebke, WAI 1954, is a New York City-based freelance writer, editor, and marketing consultant. P E R S O N A L D E V E L O P M E N T P A T R I C I A L U E B K E SO VERY SORRY By saying, "I'll fx what is wrong," you're committing to take action to undo the damage.